


An Afternoon Well Spent (In Currency We Can't Use)

by Houseplant



Series: The Klaustastrophe Diaries [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, I wrote this to get a handle on some characterization, It's almost fluff... but with a healthy layer of self deprecation and gay disaster-ness, Klaus and Five have a chat, No Incest We're Not Nasty Here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 14:29:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17962334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Houseplant/pseuds/Houseplant
Summary: Klaus is having a shitty day, and he's coping the way he knows best to-- by avoiding all his problems.





	An Afternoon Well Spent (In Currency We Can't Use)

Klaus' day was going absolutely fantastic, thank you for asking. Except… no one had asked, and so he found himself lounging on the settee, a drink in his hands of mysterious (and non alcoholic) origins. In fact, he wasn’t even certain humans were meant to consume it, but a straw fit within it perfectly and it wasn’t as if anyone thought him useful anyway.   
  
Seeing the dead wasn’t going to help them stop the apocalypse. They were only frightening to Klaus and it wasn’t as though he could instill that fear in others. So… he'd sit this one out, cheer the others on from a distance. A veeeeeeeeeeeery far distance, maybe another country. Surely the apocalypse wouldn’t catch them there.

 

But… where should they go? That was a question for the ages, there were so many countries that one might find themselves in and… he glanced to his mystery drink, the words swimming together in a haze. Ah. Yes. That sounded like a  _ great _ idea-- that many islands, an apocalypse couldn't happen on  _ all _ of them.

 

“Good to see you, Klaus.” A curt voice cut through his revelations, and it took him a full moment to realise the voice came from an actual, living, red-blooded human. (Or did Five not count as human? He sure was grumpy enough to be a whooooole  'nother species of something.)

 

“Really!?” Klaus couldn't keep the astonishment out of his voice. No one ever thought it was  _ good _ to see him, even the dealers he saw on the semi regular found him annoying. Hell, on a  _ good _ day he  _ only _ found himself annoying.

 

“No.” Five deadpanned, giving Klaus a look like he couldn't quite figure out if there was a brain in his brother's head, or ten termites chewing on driftwood instead. “Are you aware you've been drinking salad dressing for the better part of the afternoon?”

 

“...Don't be silly, Five. Salads don't need  _ dressing.  _ They're not people, they can't get arrested for not wearing pants.”

 

“Thank you for that fascinating glimpse into how your brain works. Enjoy your… mayonnaise and ketchup smoothie. Delores and I have actual important things to d-- What  _ are _ you doing, anyway, Klaus?” Five didn't want to know, yet…  there was a morbid curiosity as to what the residential fuck up was doing now.

 

“Nothing!” A shit-eating grin split Klaus’ face apart, and he joyfully wiggled his fingers in his shorter brother's direction, adjusting his seat upon the settee as he did so.

 

“The world's about to end and you're… doing nothing?”

 

“World's about to end and I'm not gonna be much help, am I? Not til everyone's dead, right? I was thinkin'--”

 

“You can think? I'm impressed.”

 

“--you wound me, brother dearest. ANYWAY, I was thinkin’, the apocalypse is just here,  right?”

 

“Wrong.”

 

“Cool, cool. So we could just… not be here when it all goes down.”

 

“Also wrong.”

 

“. . .See? This is why I'm doin’ nothin’. Why don't you go and save the world without me. Maybe ask Allison to hear a rumor or somethin’ that the world ain't gonna end, and I'll stay over here, nice and comfy cozy with this…”

 

“...With the salad dressing?”

 

“Yep. With this fancy dressin’ and if I don't see you all spookified later, we’ll know it worked.”

 

That quip seemed to get Klaus the reaction he wanted, as Five said nothing in return, heaving a heavy sigh of disappointment at his brother’s logic. Five had already said that they all died in this, but that was hardly enough of a motivator for Klaus to pretend to get his shit together-- Either the drugs would kill him, or the end of the world would, it hardly mattered which one.


End file.
